My Absence From YouTube + Blogging

Saturday, 4 March 2017

The last blog post I wrote was in December 2016. Before that, August 2016.
The last time I posted a YouTube video was December 2016. Before that, October 2016.
For the past four months, I have been incredibly distant from my blog, YouTube, and social media altogether. Why? Simply because I just needed. a. break. And, I was completely entitled to it.

Social media can become tiresome. It can become a soul destroying, negative, horrible space that can really affect you. But, in some ways, social media can be an uplifting, amazing, and positive place. Sometimes social media makes you cry, in good and bad ways. It can uplift you, it can put you down, it could motivate you, it could tear you down. Sometimes, how you've been affected by social media changes day to day.

2016 was a rocky year. I made big changes in my life. I experienced new things in my new life - both through people and places. I cut people out of my life, and well, no I actually didn't meet anyone new. I made changes to benefit my happiness and health. But, most of all, looking back on 2016, I grew, but I didn't really blossom that much.

Sure I turned 18 in 2016. The big ONE EIGHT. 18 is meant to be the year of adventuring, growing, fully deciding on what you want to do with your life, meeting 'The One', going to university or getting that job, moving to the land of Oz.... okay, well maybe not the last one, but, I was SO wrong. I mean, this may have happened for you when you turned 18, again, maybe not the Oz part, but none of that happened for me. And, honestly, now at 19 years old, that is completely fine.

Each year isn't a storybook where during the beginning, middle and end, everything that you wrote down on the to-do list on January 1st that you wanted to happen, do or achieve happened on this date, or this date, or this date. That's just not how it works. Sometimes, things go completely in a different direction. You know when people say "When things don't go right, go left!"? Well, my steering wheel locked and I kept going right when really, I wanted to be going left.

Like I said last year was rocky. There were amazing moments, for example, I went to London to see a ton of my favourite country artists at a music festival, and I started watching Grey's Anatomy and Gilmore Girls and That 70's Show... best. decision. ever. Oh, and let's not forget I welcomed my now 9-month old kitten, Mabel into my life, and so many other things happened that made me happy.

There was a lot of good in 2016, but, there definitely were hard moments and I wasn't really expecting it, but you never do. I went through self-confidence issues. I disliked how I looked and how I felt and no matter how many times people called me pretty or smart or amazing I didn't believe them and didn't apply it to myself because I didn't believe it. And, if you don't believe those things about yourself, how can you believe it when people say it to you?

I went through self-doubt. I hated everything I created, and made, and produced, and I didn't believe I was good enough, or talented enough at what I did when really, I am good at what I do and create, and no I'm not the best there is, but I'm good. I know that I'm good, and there's always going to be someone better than you, always, but if you know and believe in yourself and your talents, other people's talents won't bother or knock you down because you know that you're good and that you're doing your best.

For a short period of time, I wasn't as strong in my faith as I have been in my whole life. I didn't feel like God was in me, for me or with me. But in fact, God is in me, God is for me, and God is with me. He's everything I need to be completely myself. No matter how many times people knock you down, or make you feel like you're not doing your best or not doing enough they don't have final judgement over you because they don't know you like God knows you or knows me.

The last half of 2016 is when I started to become distant from YouTube and my blog. I'd upload, but not regularly. I'd write on my blog, but wouldn't really know what to say so I'd delete the post and leave the page blank. I'd make videos that I wasn't strictly passionate in. I'd write a blog post just to 'advertise' my new video. In one video I would have bright colours in the background, and another video just a plain white background because I thought audiences couldn't get enough of the colour teal, fairy lights and high saturation.

My heart was not in this for the past few months. Not because I didn't want it to be, or because I didn't have this many views or followers, or because I'm only earning a penny a month. Views, followers and money mean NOTHING in this or to me. My heart wasn't in it because of the self-doubt and the self-confidence issues I was facing. I'd wake up in the morning ready to film and after breakfast, I'd just say "I'll film tomorrow" because I guess I was scared to sit in front of the camera again. I was itching to get in front of the camera and edit and be a #creativewierdo (Thanks, Mr. Kate), but I was holding myself back. And why? Well, now I can honestly say that 2016 was a pain in the butt and it definitely isn't my lucky number.

Over the past year, and especially in the past four months I have realised that sometimes you have to keep going down the dreaded drop on the roller coaster to learn and grow even when you're not realising it. So, you can then eventually go back up and reach the end of the ride, sing your praises and go either eat a burger or ride on the tea cups.

I've decided that my freeze frame is coming to an end now, this stereotypical teenage rom-com monologue is about to unpause and continue on with the rest of the story. Sometimes it's okay to have a freeze frame moment. Even if you don't think you're growing or blossoming. Slowly you are, and you'll come to realise it when you freeze frame has unpaused. And, once it's unpaused you're going to blossom and grow a whole lot more... unless you're like me and guessed that 5' 7" is going to be the height you stay at for the rest of your life.

In my new favourite film, Miracles From Heaven the character stated that there is a "Miracle in every day". I honestly believe that. There is something good and a miracle in every day! Whether it's that your cat took a poop for the first time in 2 days or you just loved the fact that it was a sunny day because it's been raining for a week, there's always something good, and half the time we don't even notice it! You need the rain for your flower to fully blossom. You may need a watering can amount, or a storm amount of water to get you there, but you'll get there.

I'm extremely excited to release more videos and blog posts and content throughout 2017. I'm excited to see how much more I'll blossom through all aspects of my life. Never give up on your day dream because someday it'll become real. You've just got to work really hard for it and then once you get there you will be so proud of yourself.

Thank you for reading this post. It's the most open I've ever been on the internet. I'm still trying to figure out what days I will post my blog posts (recommendations are welcome!), but I hope you are all having a happy and blessed day!

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